i heart blogging

I wonder if "blogging" is a real word now. You know, one of those words that enters into society through some weird new development or subculture and becomes so popular, the infamous "Webster" decides it deserves it's own slot in the dictionary? I bet it's there.

I have been blogging for six years. I discovered an art site six years ago that gave me a place to showcase my photography and journal on the same page. It was my own little piece of the internet and before Myspace took over as the most popular place to carve out your space on the net. To this day, Deviant Art remains my blogging "home".

However, I like this blog too - because for me - it has little to no audience. Truly. You see - that's the funny thing about blogging. At first you are just able to write down your thoughts. Journal. Keep a diary online. Speaking for myself, I never really thought anyone would care to read my blog. I mean why would they? Who cares what I think? Wow. Was I wrong. Turns out - a whole lot of folks like to read other people's mindless drivel.

The cycle goes something like this. You blog. You like it. It feels like this weird sense of freedom. You get to say whatever you want without interruption. You get to rant. You get to state your opinion. You get to have a voice. You get to FEEL HEARD. Feeling heard is huge for most folks that rarely, really, feel "heard" or validated in life. So then you start opening up. You start getting brave. You start putting yourself out there honestly.

Then....

Someone comments. Wow. O.k. Someone is actually reading this other than me and my few friends that think I'm funny or well spoken - holy cow! You become PAINFULLY aware that someone is reading your blog. So one of two things happen. You either start to hold back - or you really get into it. I've done both. When you get positive feedback - it's easy to really get into it. You're sorta "famous" now. You fantasize it's a column in some well thought of magazine or newspaper. You start to think your two cents just might MATTER.

Then you get the hater. I don't mean the one that might comment and ask a question, disagree, share another point of view. No. I mean the puss behind the computer screen that suddenly has big brass kahonas and wants to tell you what a moron you are because you believe in something differently than they do, because you offend them with your opinions, or because they just want you to shut up because secretly they hate that they just can't stop reading YOUR blog.

So now what? For me - at first - it just made me tougher. I had a whole crew of support so it was easy to fight back and take on the verbal match via the typed word. Then you find how insanely upset you can get. How pissed off you can get. How much you attach to and assume about HOW someone wrote, whatever they wrote. "Did you SEE them capitalize that to me! Did you see that emoticon they used! OMG the punctuation! HOW DARE THEM!!!" lmao. It's really pretty fucking hysterical when you think about it. I find it quite interesting.

Then, I started to hold back. God - I can't say THAT - I'll offend so and so. God - I can't say THAT - so and so will assume I'm talking about them even if I'm not. God - I can't say that because it's just a feeling and I don't want it to trigger this in so and so. :|

Then you have those hilariously immature "passive aggressive" blogs where folks specifically write TO someone but swear they aren't in their cowardice - always with the out of "I'm just blogging man". Or the ones that use their blog as some podium to advertise hate to the world in efforts to publicly shame someone in their internet world, or give cryptic messages for attention. The blog has brought the junior high schoolgirl out in many an adult since it came about.

In the end - I've found the funnest times to blog - are when I'm fearless. I'm tired. I'm mad. I'm just bubbling over in some way - and it has to COME OUT. So I brainstorm or freestyle -and my spelling gets sloppy because I won't go correct (pet peeve but I admit I don't bother at times out of exhaustion), or I rant. But it's HONEST. And people - loving or hating what you are ranting about - love honesty. It's freeing. For you. For them. They live vicariously, feel vicariously, through your rant.

Does Dennis Miller blog? Man - that's one I'd love to read.

I won't lie. I miss diaries where you use a real pen and it has a key and you feel truly safe to say whatever you want w/out any hesitation. But those days are long gone for most, including me. But I love blogging. I think it's healthy. I think it's fun and can be stimulating. Even if you're only blogging about, well, blogging!